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The Money Train

Updated: Aug 16

What keeps this pathetic excuse for the “United” States of America going is money. Capitalistic, unrelenting, diabolical greed at a level we have not dealt with in human history. We can’t even fathom how big the $750 billion defense budget really is and how immensely strong we’ve made our military. We currently have an arsenal of 5,550 nuclear warheads. If all of them were detonated, it would be well above the supposed amount that could bring on a “nuclear winter” scenario. Every gun rights advocate who claims that the 2nd amendment is still a necessary part of our constitution because it enables citizens to take up arms and revolt against the government is an outright lunatic. There are entire countries that could be obliterated by our military, without the use of nuclear weaponry, in a few hours. Do you really think you and your “militia” friends from bumfuck rural wherever, who couldn’t plan a successful attack on a military base let alone a surprise birthday party with your shitty public high school education (a whole other issue), can take down the greatest army in existence? Respectfully, take one of your rifles and shove it up your ass. Giving yourself a prostate orgasm is a much better use of it then, I don’t know, mowing innocent people down at a suburban Independence Day parade. Give up on your pipe dream of being the next American revolutionaries, for your own good, and let rational people do what we have to do to keep mass shootings from happening constantly.

This genocidal capitalist nightmare is sending us all to early graves and dividing resources in the most inconsistent way imaginable. If any of us want to make a better future for ourselves, we have to get the money train off the fucking rails. Doing that is not easy, of course, but I’m willing to entertain the idea that it’s possible. Considering we can’t even celebrate the birth of this country with a goddamn parade anymore without the fear of getting murked at any second, I think we shouldn’t have any parades ever again. Let’s not do parades not out of fear of being killed, but to stop the typical flow of money the 4th of July brings for restaurants, big-box stores, and other companies. Anything that gives companies a boost any time of year, forget about it! A lot of that money is going to some bloodsucking corporate executive or, even worse, a politician. Instead of a parade and more toxic, cyclical consumerism, what should we do to celebrate our independence?

Here’s one idea. Let’s all go to Rand Paul’s house (I’m sure you can find where it is online; I’m not going to dox anyone, even if they’re a vampire) next year on the 4th. Take guns if you have them, fireworks, grills, booze, speakers, whatever you’d usually bring to a 4th of July barbecue. Then, let’s have a party right out in front of his mansion! An absolute RAGER along the whole block! Shoot your guns off, light the fireworks, blast some Kid Rock or any other bizarre, subpar, overly patriotic music you can find. In fact, invite Rand Paul out to join! As you’re getting him a juicy burger fresh off the grill, ask him, “Senator Paul, how does it feel to have so much blood on your hands?” That idiot will probably respond with, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Then explain to him, “Well, Senator Paul, can I call you Rand? Weird name by the way. Anywho, for this year’s election cycle, you’ve taken $67,723 in contributions from gun rights groups while 19 children were gunned down in Texas, not to mention the hundreds of other mass shootings across the nation. I don’t even make that much money in a year and none of it goes to maintaining our lackluster gun laws. So, how does it feel?”

Then Rand will start politicking, blaming liberals, making an ass of himself, whatever an imbecile like him does when pressed, and then all you have to say is this: “Rand, Rand, relax. I’m not attacking you, man. It’s a holiday! We’re here to have fun! I just want to know how you cope with the fact that when you’re taking your final breaths, you’ll see the bloodied, mangled bodies of mass shooting victims flash in front of you, all of them, or at least the ones that died with their mouth and throats still intact, asking ‘Was it worth it?’ Are you already having nightmares about them? You’re almost 60 years old, Rand. You could drop dead tomorrow at your age! Are you ready to face that?”

I’d imagine Rand Paul will get scared, retreat back into his mansion and call the police on the crowd at this point. The police, who primarily exist to protect capital, of which Rand Paul has upward of $770,000, will start arresting, beating the shit out of, and potentially shooting (especially those who are not white as history has shown) everyone in sight. That just means it’s time to move the party inside! Give Rand Paul’s front door a good knock, and when he answers, politely ask, “Hey Rand, the officers out here are kind of ruining the vibe. Could we come in for a bit?” Before he answers, say, “Thanks, I really appreciate it!” and shimmy right in. Post up on his couch! See what expensive ass wine he’s got! Use his toilet and don’t flush if you don’t want to! Be aware that this nitwit Kentuckian will probably be pissed, and most likely will pull a gun on you for what is essentially breaking and entering. At this point, as he threatens to kill you, say, “Rand, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I just wanted to celebrate the 4th of July and have a good time. I’m sorry I came into your house and you don’t want me here. I’m sorry to ruin your holiday. I’ll leave, but I just want to say one more thing.”

It’s possible that Rand will shoot you before you even say “sorry” for the first time, but given the slim chance that you say everything and he let’s you say one more thing, say this: “If you love your wife, Kelley, if you love your sons, William, Duncan and Robert, and if you love yourself, you will not take another penny from gun rights advocates. You will tell the gun rights groups that they are wrong, that America can and will find methods to peacefully resolve disputes between all levels of government and its citizens without the use of arms. You will tell them that we as human beings can no longer ignore the fact that we have the tools and knowledge to settle our differences without violence. You’ll do this because every penny you take from them is another reason for me, and many Americans, to believe that you don’t love your family. We believe this because taking that money and not supporting better gun control legislation proves you do not care about American lives, which includes your American family. Any one of them could become a mass shooting victim at any time. So can you. Maybe a family is just something a Christian, Republican politician like you has to have to maximize the votes you get each election. If you don’t love your family, or yourself, then by all means, keep accepting all that money. Many Americans, besides the brainwashed ones that still support you, will keep thinking you are a heartless, spineless coward. I’ll leave now, but I just want you to consider if you truly love anyone. Your actions say otherwise. You seem to be living a lie and I feel sorry for you, my fellow American.”

Odds are that Rand, being a sub-human, power-obsessed primate, will forget you 15 minutes after this and you’ll get arrested (or shot), but maybe, just maybe, you’ll shatter him. You’ll have ripped the rug out from underneath him. He will recognize his entire political career is a sham, he’s never been mentally well enough to give or receive love, and he will repent to his Lord and Savior for his sins. He’ll become President, sign high quality and fair gun control measures into law and perhaps even dismantle the military-industrial complex from inside out. The United States will go from the world’s biggest bully to the most peaceful nation on Earth. We’ll sing “Kumbaya” in the streets, cure all diseases and racism will disappear. All of this because for the first time in recorded history, a politician realized how empty their life is without love. No amount of control, or backdoor deals, or children to sexually abuse can fill the void of being unlovable and unable to love.

I’m being a bit hyperbolic, of course. I’m sure there are plenty of politicians in deeply loving relationships with their partners and who adore their children. Love makes you do crazy things, which includes staying married to a war criminal, or, in other words, every member of our legislative branch for the past few decade. Appealing to the emotions of our psychopathic Congressmen and women would most likely be wasteful. These invertebrates get a list of talking points curated by their top campaign contributors, have their staff make legislative decisions for them without anyone reading the actual bill and then fuck off to their mansions paid for by lobbyists without ever thinking of the repercussions of their actions (or inactions). They’re corrupt up to their eyeballs and have no time or purpose to engage with their emotions.

If emotional appeals are fruitless, then maybe we should go for the only thing these criminals seem to care about: sweet, sweet, completely random, not backed by anything of any actual value, fiat currency. The Almighty, All-American Dolla’ Dolla’ Bills, y’all. We’ve unfortunately allowed most of the wealth in this country to be held by a distinct few. Among those is George Soros. I kid you not, I first heard about this billionaire through conspiratorial rabbit holes I found myself in late at night as a teenager. In fact, there is an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to conspiracy theories about Soros. Conspiracies aside, it is a fact that Soros Fund Management, the investment firm founded by Soros, contributed $128 million to political campaigns in the 2022 election cycle as of July 4. That is more than the contributions of Citadel, Blackstone, Thiel (all three of which are also investment firms), Microsoft, Chevron, Alphabet, and IBM combined.

Of note, all of that $128 million went to liberal candidates and Soros is actively using his wealth for various philanthropic causes. This may come as a relief to some who lean left, but it should be downright terrifying. Who's to say that some other rich person may just throw $100 million behind a no holds barred authoritarian candidate in the next presidential election? Why is it legal for a single entity to have that much influence over our federal leadership? There are hundreds of billionaires who could essentially buy several congressional seats whenever they want, rather than put those resources toward issues such as homelessness, hunger and the opioid crisis. It’s sickening.

As those affected by the Highland Park shooting work through their grief for years to come, the money train will keep on rolling. Our politicians will continue to be bought and paid for by various entities and we will lack the kindness necessary to create a more balanced and just society. It is a great fault in our nature that kindness can’t be spread in a tyrannical way. We can’t dose our water supply with it. We can’t bomb people with it. We all have to choose to be kind as an individual. We shouldn’t do this out of righteousness, or in hopes that others will follow our lead. We should do it because it is better to be kind than to not be. Just like it is better to be raised by our parents than to be an orphan. Just like it is better to help those who feel left behind than to alienate them more.

I can’t believe I’m going to conclude this with a Cinderella quote, but it is undoubtedly relevant: Have courage and be kind. It is much too easy to give into these feelings of hate and despair we feel in this tumultuous era. Instead, have courage and be kind.

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